A Good Idea Goes Bad
A friend was looking for a second hand boat to buy, when he thought of a great idea. At his club there was a large compound where the management put trailers and boats if the owner didn’t pay their membership.
It was a club very big and at the time there were three or four Lasers in this yard that judging from their condition hadn’t been sailed for at least a year. My friend took down the numbers of these boats and asked the club secretary for the owners address so that he could make them an offer. The first man he called said he wasn’t interested in selling as he was going to sail it himself “one of these days.”
He then called the second owner who lived about 100 km’s away. A woman answered the phone and confirmed that they did still own the Laser. My friend explained that he had seen it in the compound and that as it clearly hadn’t been sailed for a year – did she think her husband would be interested in selling? “Oh no” she said, “there must be some mistake – come rain or shine my husband spends one weekend a month at the Vaal sailing…” I bet he had some explaining to do when he got home
longevity
From the dock the woman watched as the salty old tugboat captain skillfully docked his boat. She was impressed that such an old man would still be doing such a tough job. She decided to wait until the captain disembarked. As he did, she asked him,” Captain, what is your secret to leading such a long and productive life?” “Well,” he said. “I would have to say it’s because I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky every week, eat a lot of fatty foods and I never exercise.”
“Wow, that’s amazing,” the woman said. “Exactly how old are you?” He answered, “Thirty-one”.
gotcha
A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!” The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast. “The sailor replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too, if you had what I have.” The bartender says, “Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?”
50 cents he replied
Crayfish
A man orders a lobster in a restaurant. The waiter returns with his order, but the crustacean has a broken claw. The man asked what happened. The waiter said, “It must have been in a fight.” “Good,” said the man, ” now go back to the kitchen and bring me the winner
Q: If you have two people in a boat slapping at each other with the oars, what is it called?
A : rowed rage
Q: How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears?
A: A Buccaneer!!!
Q: Where do you take a sick boat?
A: To the dock.
Q: What is a shark’s favorite game?
A: Swallow the leader
Q : What did Captain Hook die of?
A : Jock itch!
Q : Who does a ghost report an emergency to?
A : The Ghost Guard!
A race boat sailed towards a bridge on their way towards the course. One crewmember noticed a funeral procession traveling on it. He respectfully removed his hat and stood silently until it passed.
Another noticing the action said; “You show a lot of respect for your fellow man.”
The crewman returning to his job said; “What do you expect, I was married to her for 30 years!”
Divorce
A sailor was looking at a local yacht club’s bulletin board listing and took a second glance when he saw that a two year old Laser was for sale for R250.
At first he thought it was a misprint or the sailboat had major problems but for the cost of a phone call he had to check it out. After making the call, a lady at the other end assured him all was correct and the boat was in pristine condition. She would meet him at the club in a hour to let him look it over. An hour later she arrived and let him see the boat.
“This has got to be one of the finest Lasers I ever seen”, he told the lady, “Why do you have such a small price on it?” She answered, “My husband left with his receptionist and we got a divorce. For the settlement I get the home and he gets the money raised from the sale of the boat.”
fishing
A priest was walking along the beach when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. “That’s what I like to see,” expressed the priest. ” Man helping his fellow man.”
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, “The Father sure doesn’t know the first thing about shark fishing, does he?!”
Marooned
One morning John noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home since the ship sank six months ago. As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel. He very soon thereafter realized that hanging on to the barrel was a very scantily clad woman. In fact she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively walked toward John. She whispered into John’s ear, ” I have something you want!” John broke into a dead run towards to breaking waves yelling, “Don’t tell me you’ve got beer in that barrel!”
Who done it
A small child slipped and fell overboard. A body hurled over the rail of the liner and saved the child. Coming back on board, the man who had swum to the child was cheered by the other passengers. The captain asked the man, “What can we do for you?”
The man said, “You can tell me who pushed me?
Diving
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world at a depth of 20 feet. He noticed a guy at the same depth but he had on no SCUBA gear! The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him. The diver went below 25 feet more, and once again, the guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out his board and marker, and wrote, “How are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?” The guy grabbed the board, quickly erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!”
Them birds
Two sailors meet each other on a pier. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
One points to his foot and says; “Pearl Harbor, World War II!”
The other points his thumb behind and says; “Seagull crap, 20 feet back”
Waves
“Mommy, can I swim out to where the waves are breaking?” asked the little girl. The mother shook her head firmly. “Pleeease?” she begged. “Daddy’s swimming out there.” “I know, darling, but he’s insured”.
The Ship’s doctor was interviewing a sailor who was apparently trying to get a medical discharge from the navy. “What seems to be the problem?” asked the doctor. “I believe I am a dog, woof – woof”, responded the sailor. “I see.” said the doctor, eyebrows raised, “How long has this been going on?” “Ever since I was a puppy!”